We were driving down the interstate the other day and the most ridiculous car pulled out in front of us. This thing could not have been more than 6 inches off the ground. And I honestly think I’m being generous. I’m a bit ashamed to admit I made Trevor drive like a speed racer to catch back up with it so I could take a picture of it in all its ghetto glory.

Pretty awesome, right?

This got me thinking about the things I have done at times that I thought were awesome that turned out to be awful choices.

Exhibit A.

I immeeeeeeediately regret this decision

Ok, I’ll be honest… I hesitated for several moments before hitting “insert into post”. Granted, this is a bad picture of an already bad haircut, but I would rather just skim over this hair cut in the history of my life and pretend that I went from a semi-normal looking child to a semi-normal looking woman. This story becomes all the more tragic when I let you in on the fact that I chopped off my hair to deter the attentions of an unwanted boy (I was 13) and a few months later decided that boys were, in fact, very interesting after all. Trevor (my loving husband) calls this my “lesbian haircut phase”. Oh, and that’s one of my (still) best friends, Shana. She grew out of that too… In fact, she turned into a true beauty, and although I’m no super model, I no longer look like I just got kicked out of a Justin Beiber look alike contest. Sidenote: I’m totally not saying if you have a short hair cut it looks bad… I just can’t rock it.

I think sometimes I am overly concerned with how people view me because I know that I’ve made flip judgments about people before based on the way they dress or speak.

When we were living in England a lot of times when we would walk to the city centre (the spelling is just for you, lou) we would get stopped by a begger or homeless person asking for change. Normally I don’t carry cash on me. One of the reasons is so I could say, “I don’t have any cash, man”. I have a lot of trouble saying no if I had money in my pocket. One day on our way home, a guy approached me and asked if I had 50 p cause he really needed to make a phone call. I had a pound, and I gave it to him. I kept walking and, no joke, six blocks down I hear someone yelling. I look back and this guy is running towards me. I was about to tell him I didn’t have any more money when held out his hand and pressed my 50 pence change into mine. He chased me 6 blocks to give me 50 pence. “Thanks!” he called. My eyes widened in shock and I felt tears stinging them. He really did need to make a phone call. I had just assumed he was going to buy alcohol.

How many things do I do so that people make favorable assumptions about me? Down to the way I dress, or the way I dress my kid, or the cars we drive (that’s kinda laughable, actually)… but you get the point.

On Thursday night I started having pain in my hip. This has happened on and off for many years, but much more often since I got pregnant with Judah. I took some aspirin that night and went to bed. I woke up Friday morning and literally couldn’t walk. I couldn’t put any weight on my leg without excruciating pain. I army crawled to the living room to retrieve my phone and call Trevor. He couldn’t make it home till lunchtime so I called my friend Becca who lives close by. She is such a giving person, and I knew if she could come that she would. So I genuinely surprised myself by bursting into tears once I got off the phone with her.

What is so hard about admitting that you can’t do it all or don’t have it all together? Just when you think that you’ve learned some humility you learn how far you still have to go. The things that were racing in my mind before she came over were the fact that I wasn’t showered and my house wasn’t clean. Its funny though the things that we get preoccupied with regarding how people see us. One of the many areas I stumble in is being over-preoccupied with my home. I know that many times I have chosen to spend time cleaning because someone was coming over or I just couldn’t stand my home being messy instead of spending much needed time with God. I have chosen a clean home over a clean heart. Foolishness.

Its hard to let people in on your flaws. Even when you think you are trying to live a life of transparency. I thought that as a Christian I would be better at this by now considering how often I have to tell God, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”, but — there it is.

My prayer is that I’m always growing and becoming more like Christ. And that in a few years I look at some of my current struggles and can laugh because I have grown out of that phase just like my bad hair cut.